A Special Christmas Letter From Dad
A Special Christmas Letter From Dad
A Special Christmas Letter from Dad to our whole family
When I received the usual Christmas note this year from Betty, my daughter-in-law, about how “perfect” everything was for their family this past year, and about how nice it was to have a loving family like ours, I had a little tingling at the back of my neck. As I thought and prayed about that tingling, I finally identified the source. I had to ask myself this question; is there a widespread denial system in place in our family about addiction? In other words, are we all “sweeping under the rug” what has become commonly known but not spoken since the latest tragic death we have all experienced due to addiction?
The simple truth is that only a year ago we all came together to attend the funeral and mourn the death of John, our oldest son, and Betty’s brother-in-law, from addiction. That reminded us all that we have people in our family who have problems with drugs, alcohol, depression, ADD, eating disorders, nicotine, etc. It also reminded us that addiction can lead to death! Now Carol and I recently learned that now John’s younger brother, Tim, Betty’s husband, is admitting that his doctor is telling him that his liver is showing signs of alcoholic liver disease. We were told that Tim tried so hard to do what his doctor told him to do. He drank gallons of water every day in an attempt to clear his liver of the poisons, and he even cut back on his drinking! Now with his doctor reporting some improvement, I can tell you, as a recovering alcoholic myself with over twenty years of sobriety, that Tim interpreted that news as “…I am cured, and now I can return to normal drinking”(whatever that is).
Drugs and alcohol have gotten most of my attention during the past twenty years because I have had to work so hard to overcome my own addictions through the 12-Step Programs. Yes, I suffered from ADD as a child back in the days when kids who had trouble focusing were just called lazy. But so much has been learned since those days, and if we really do love each other as much as we say we do in this family, shouldn’t we each arm ourselves with as much information as possible about any disease that is harming us?
So how do we help Tim? How do we stop Tim from destroying himself and breaking all of our hearts…again? The tragic truth is this; we can’t! I have learned the hard way that there is no human power that can stop an alcoholic from taking the next drink. Tim has wondered out loud to me if he can quit, so how on earth could one of us imagine that we could somehow make him quit? Tim is in the grip of a disease that creates a powerful mental and emotional compulsion to drink alcohol. That compulsion renders him incapable of asking for help. And yet, until he does just that, nothing can be done for him!
This brings us squarely to the question; what can we do? First, we can take care to take care of ourselves. This is a family disease and we each have a piece in it. We can seek help from others who have “been there” through community support groups like AA, Nar-A-Non and Al-Anon. I am leading our family by example, and have learned so much by getting out of Tim’s way. I learned this after about two years of attending a men’s Al-Anon meeting in our community. I know now that I must allow Tim the dignity of making his own decisions. By learning and growing ourselves we never harm another person. By learning through a program like A-Anon to detach with love we can give Tim a fighting chance to reach his own bottom and then reach out for help. Tim needs a family that is recovering along side him as they cheer him…not a bunch of deniers who continue enabling him while keeping those fake painted smiles on their faces. We need people who give thanks to God every morning that we are still alive, who are big enough to say “but for the grace of God there go I!”
Here are some skills to develop that may help you. These are the combined experience of millions like us who have had to cope with addiction problems in their families.
Do’s.
Do learn the facts about alcoholism.
Do talk to someone who understands alcoholism.
Do go to Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, or an alcoholism center.
Do develop an attitude to match the facts.
D take a personal inventory of yourself.
Do maintain a healthy emotional atmosphere in your home.
Do encourage new activities.
Don’ts
Don’t preach or lecture.
Don’t argue with a drunk alcoholic.
Don’t have a “holier than thou” attitude.
Don’t use the “if you loved me” appeal.
Don’t make threats you won’t carry out.
Don’t hide liquor or pour it out.
Don’t resent the method of recovery
Don’t expect immediate contented sobriety.
Don’t try to protect an alcoholic against alcohol.
Don’t be
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