Busting Some Myths About Anger Anagement
Busting Some Myths About Anger Anagement
Introduction
When we thoughtlessly and impulsively react to feelings of anger, anger becomes a weapon. It is as if we are running red lights at intersections and putting ourselves and others in grave danger. Many of us are emotionally color blind at the intersection between feeling, thought and action precisely because like any intersection these events appear connected in a logical sequence. When we take out our experiences of anger on others we tend not to slow down long enough to recognize that what seems logical may not be. Furthermore, what we want to see as a green light is really an impulse running through what under calmer and cooler circumstances ought to be our consciences and reality testing/judgment flashing red lights. If the red light is flashing we are moving too quickly and relentlessly to slow down and pay attention. The consequences of our actions once the dust settles are most often injurious to both parties individually, and their relationship. Having worked as a social worker in a criminal court in Connecticut I know from experience that the jails and prisons in this country are populated by folks who have both used anger as a weapon as well as by those who sincerely believe they were victims of such aggression and were acting in self defense.
This article busts some of the myths responsible for the irresponsible management of anger and other emotions that as cocktails light the fuse on verbally and physically abusive behaviors. I hope this article will lead many of you out there who know of someone who fits the descriptions in the following paragraphs to share this article with them so that they may do some soul searching and perhaps, find the motivation to obtain counseling.
Myth #1:”He pushed my buttons so he got what he deserved.”
Does an unsuspecting person deserve to be your personal whipping post when something he says annoys you and lights the fuse for 40 years of collected grievances? If you have not forgiven ______ for what was done to you during your childhood then, you are likely to still have an axe to grind and may unbeknownst to yourself spend your days looking to avenge such injustices. Unfortunately, an untreated victim never loses the drive to repeat history and places himself in harm’s way with the story ending where he either repeats the role of victim or assumes the role of perpetrator after finding a suitable victim. Misery never finds enough company and is a self perpetuating machine until people break these vicious cycles with the help of trained professionals. It’s not anyone’s responsibility except our own to work at healing the emotional wounds suffered early in life. It’s not anyone else’s fault if something happens between ourselves and someone else that triggers painful associations earlier traumas. It’s sad and unfortunate but, is a reality of life. If we fight this reality we keep heaping more pain and suffering on everyone including ourselves. If we accept this unfortunate reality then, we may head on the road toward forgiveness. Forgiveness is in our self interest. We can’t shape brighter futures if we are still held hostage by our pasts. If we were nothing more than vending machines then, when someone pushed our buttons we would not be responsible for using anger as a weapon. We are responsible. Just ask a criminal court judge in any state.
Myth #2: “I didn’t do anything wrong. I tried to walk away from fighting with him and he pursued me into the bedroom, cornered me and then, called me every name in the book. Of course I slugged him. What else could I have done?”
Life is often not fair and sometimes we have only one unappealing choice to make in the name of our health and welfare. That choice based on the scenario above is to move out. Separation anxieties are not an excuse to stay with a partner who will degrade us and otherwise provoke us into fights until we lose our cool and retaliate. If our efforts to call time outs or otherwise, to deescalate conflicts are not respected and the two of us wind up in violent encounters then, we have one and only reasonable choice at our disposal; find a safe haven until we have evidence that both of us are willing and able to manage our feelings in a more respectful and considerate manner. Two wrongs never make a right and the party that retaliates is often deemed to be as guilty as the one who started. When the police are called to break up domestic disputes “who started” often does not determine whether or not both parties will be asked to appear in court to face charges.
Myth #3: “If I get angry I get very destructive.”
The title of this article could very well be Busting Myths About Rage Management. Anger all by itself does not often lead to abusive behaviors. Most