Busting Some Myths About Anger Anagement
often we have to sprinkle a little rage, envy and hatred to get something akin to an explosive cocktail. Wars start when people feel attacked and attacks on our life, liberty and pursuit of happiness are often taken very personally by many. If we are wronged and hurt by others we will most likely be angry. If we assume that we are being mistreated because we don’t count, and we believe we don’t count because we deserve to be treated this way for some ugliness or defect of character or physical appearance, all we have to do is swallow this message whole and then, anger will bleed into rage. Rage is a signal that our value and significance is under attack and we are feeling helpless to defend ourselves. This experience breeds destructive acts of retaliation because it becomes a matter of kill or be killed in terms of feeling like worthwhile people deserving of respect and consideration.
Myth #4: I was out of control so I’m not responsible for my actions. This translates to: “Denial is not a river in Egypt.”
Many substance abusers and other non compliant consumers of mental health treatment services use “being out of control” to “feel in control” of getting what they want. If we are responsible by acts of commission or omission for relinquishing control over ourselves then, we are in a very precarious position. We are very dependent in an unhealthy way on others to look out for us, clean up our messes or otherwise, take responsibility for us. If that dependent relationship falls apart we may be one step away from a rude awakening that goes along with being held accountable for our actions. This applies whether or not we drink ourselves into oblivion or lose control of our minds as a direct consequence of the decision to stop taking our medications. “The Devil made me hit that person” will not cut it when we have years of psychiatric hospitalizations under our belts that should have taught us what we need to do to manage our hallucinations and delusions. Sometimes notions of being powerful, important and special are linked to being treated as if the rules of society don’t apply to us. This is a symptom of not feeling special or important in our own right.
Myth #5: If I don’t think about it then, I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not going to be your victim. I’m going to fight back!
People do not exist to polish images of ourselves that are false so that we can make real that which is flattering for us to look at in the mirror. We can walk around and actually believe our press clippings are true if we confuse who we are with what we want ourselves and others to see and dismiss evidence to the contrary as bogus. In such instances we may feel attacked when these images we depend on for a semblance of self esteem are not validated and are exposed as fraudulent. We may feel that another person has attacked us by exposing us. In truth, we attack our true selves because we have contempt and hatred for how we conduct our lives and yet, we refuse to make changes. Consequently, the messenger is blamed for shedding light on our true natures.
The mythical experience that is busted is that we are larger than life when our egos our inflated by false notions about who we are and then, our egos are completely flattened as if were balloons in The Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade that were pricked by a large pin. The messenger becomes the enemy and the rage, anger, envy and hatred that may be stimulated that are associated with feeling devalued and degraded will result in an act of retaliation. It’s not necessarily that our characters are being judged as all bad. It’s more like we become self conscious of a stain on our imagined pristine character that we cannot tolerate because we do not know how to keep these stains from spreading and coloring our entire selves.
Myth #6: Adults who behave like children feel much better after they explode and release their tension.
I can tell you from many experiences counseling couples that there may be an immediate release of emotional tension from our bodies and minds when we let our feelings fly. However, most of the adults I have worked with wound up feeling ashamed, guilty and depressed in the long run. Adults need to behave like adults and effectively manage age appropriate roles to feel happy, at peace and fulfilled. When they behave like children they may feel gratified in the short term, and then later on when they have moments to reflect on their actions, feel awful.
Conclusion
Impulse control problems of any kind are most often treated with counseling and/or medications. Counseling requires making spaces and developing comfort with containing, reflecting on and submitting feelings to the creative powers of mindfulness to change our perspectives and