Honest Poem Criticism, Please? HoNeSt?
Question by Jordan: Honest poem criticism, please? HoNeSt?
I’d like some honest criticism/feedback on my poems, please? I’m 14.
Sorry it’s kinda alot =/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“He Left”
~
An empty stare across my face
a tear rolls down my cheek
thinking how I could erase
those words that made me weak
~
Been laying in my bed all day
hungry and deprived
my hopes and dreams have washed away
gone as if I died
~
He told me that he loved me
he’d hug me if I’d cry
and then he left me calmly
with his simple goodbye
~
I really wish I could predict
I wish that I had seen
all the pain that he’d inflict
as soon as he left me
~
Every minute was fake
every second was wrong
a mirage of a lake
a blink, and it’s gone
——————–
“Abused”
Our hearts are beating through the night
I hear them in my ears
They stutter and constrict with fright
They echo with our fears
~
Our fingertips are cold and numb
I cannot feel my toes
We’ll scramble for the smallest crumb
And yet nobody knows
~
We’re hiding in a basement
So cold, dark and wet
Our lives without replacement
All this we won’t forget
~
One day we will be free
One day we will escape
One day people will see
One day our lives will shape
——————–
“Saying Goodbye”
~
I hold your hands so lightly
to comfort all your fears
I whisper to you softly
and hope that you can hear
~
I know that you’ll be happy
wherever you will go
I know that you’ll be free
and your heart will show no woe
~
I know that you will make it
to your land of happiness
where everything that’s sacred
will fill your heart with bliss
~
I’ll remember what you told me
I’ll remember what you said
your heart is far from empty
although it’s almost dead
~
And now I say goodbye
because it’s time for you to go
but you’ll never truly die
because my heart will always know
——————–
“Whenever you cry”
~
I linger silently
unable to speak
It ended so violently
and I was too weak
~
Although I am dead
I will not go away
your hearts have long bled
but that ends today
~
It’s time to move on
It’s time now to heal
you’ve suffered too long
and that I can feel
~
Although you don’t know it
you can hear my voice
your actions will show it
you’ll make the right choice
~
So now I am free
So now I can fly
but here I will be
whenever you cry
——————–
“Their Son”
~
He cries, he wails
there’s nothing I can do
as an organ fails
my face goes greenish-blue
~
He turns towards me
his eyes so scared
I want to flee
I’m unprepared
~
I take his hand
and hold it tight
and know I can’t
erase his fright
~
I’m not his mom
I’m not his dad
but they’re long gone
his heart they stabbed
~
They just left
they ran away
while their son slept
he was betrayed
~
And now he’s sick
and now he’s crying
the seconds tick
their son is dying
~
He smiles at me
his eyes close
and I know that he
died of a broken heart
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alot of people suggested that I write about happier things. I took their advice, and I tried. Here are my attempts:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Flint”
~
The corners lift
white bones show
everything shifts
with a special glow
~
A muscle twitch
a painkiller
a flick of a switch
a heart stealer
~
Used to show feeling
expresses devotion
often revealing
your deepest emotions
~
Say so much
with individual glint
a silent touch
your personal flint
~
Smile.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
“Claws of the Beast”
~
Glimmering
beyond sight
shimmering
reflection of light
~
The blues bounce off the grays
and the whites off the greens
the sun’s brilliant rays
fall forever in beams
~
The claws of the beast
the horrific beauty
crave a bloody feast
move wild and freely
~
Love and hate
cold or warm
decides your fate
just a windy storm
~
The ocean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People also suggested that I try to write without rhyme. I tried. I don’t like it really, but here it is:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“My Words”
~
Sitting on my bed
I can hear the rain
it’s dark outside
people are sleeping
~
I tell them all my feelings
my pencil and my notebook
because they always listen
they never interrupt
~
The graphite on the paper
makes words
sometimes they rhyme
it’s beautiful
~
I’m afraid to show people
my words
they might take them
and lie
~
But I show some people
and I’m glad
they say my words
are beautiful
~
The rain has stopped
I hear the crickets
I close my eyes
and sleep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Defeated”
~
I run faster
Towards the sun
Its brilliant luster
Promising fortune
~
When I arrive
At the edge of the cliff
I’m ready to dive
But my body is stiff
~
My toes dangle freely
I take a deep breath
And, eerily,
I jump to my death
~
The rocks far below
Rise up to meet me
But they don’t know
That I’m already dead inside
————————
“Through it All”
~
My daughter’s outside crying
My husb
Oh sorry it didn’t post it all.
_________
“Through it All”
~
My daughter’s outside crying
My husband in a grave
And here I lay, I’m dying
Their company I crave
~
I’ve seen a hundred years
I’ve been through it all before
I’ve conquered all my fears
My memories, I’ve stored
~
Although I cannot move
Although I cannot speak
I’ve proved everything to prove
And I’ve shown that I’m not weak
~
I’m sad that it is over
But I’m ready now to go
So I give it up forever
This life I’ve always known
———————-
“Sorrow into Bliss”
~
If you look then you will find
Creatures so disgusting
Creeping, crawling in my mind
Reaping, clawing, cutting
~
Guilt, grief, regret
Making my brain fry
Some things you don’t forget
Not even if you try
~
Love, hope, wish
Balance out the bad
Turn sorrow into bliss
Happy instead of sad
~
At constant war
The bad and the good
I’ll always remember
A never ending feud
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you for reading!
Glorine~ Of course you can use my poem! I feel so honored =)
Thanks to everyone else, you people are way too nice. If you’d like updates on my poetry (including new poems when I write them) you can visit evilxplatypus(.)webs(.)com (remove the parenthesis)
Thanks!
Best answer:
Answer by Glorine
that is probably the most beautiful poetry i have read. i really want to use the first poem “he left” for forensics…if thats okay. forensics is when you speak a piece of poetry for your class and you have to memories it it from famous, unknown, or anything else author. it would be part of my grade. i think it would be awesome to use yours. i also love my word. its all beautiful.
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