I Want to Leave My Husband of 26 Years, Should I ?

Question by Lisa: I want to leave my husband of 26 years, should I ?
I have been corresponding with this marriage counselor online for the past few months. His last subject, “How do you know when to Quit?” I read it and here was my response to him: I’m sorry to say it’s time to quit. There’s been infidelity, definitely broken trust; emotional neglect/abuse; The “brink of divorce” came in 2007, when he secretly went to see an attorney for legal advice. I found out because his dad paid for the “retainer fee” when my husband brought the remainder of the check home to give back to his dad. I am totally bored with this man. He is very stubborn and is “always right.” He hides savings/money from me; limits me with the amount of money I can use in our “joint checking account”; we go through days of silent treatment; the sex was great (not anymore, babe), but I think he uses that as an assurance that everything is OK between us. There is definitely a communication problem in this household. We have three young adult daughters living with us. Two in college in the early 20’s; one still in high school, 17. They all agree there is a communication problem in this household, and who by the way they always side with him about everything, and as far as he concerned, “they never do anything wrong”; he doesn’t appreciate me, and refuses to go to marriage counselling “because nothing’s wrong with our marriage, it’s me”. Here lately, all we do is yell at each other, in front of the kids, of course. He can’t seem to discuss anything with me in private. I have been home for 20 years plus raising my three daughters. I think he is miserable, too, but he won’t go see a lawyer because he “doesn’t want to give up any of “his” money”. Hey, come one, doesn’t he know that half of his income, property, etc., is mine? In earlier years, my husband would cut me down, I would run upstairs to our bedroom, shut the door and cry. He has done this our whole marriage. He keeps money hidden from me, won’t let me have access to our savings acccount, either by papers statements or online. I am not to know anything about money. He as a 401k that he won’t share information about with me. We have an equity line of credit on our home and he says “I have no access to it and can not use it for anything should I need something”. He put the thing in his name and his name only, even though I signed the Deed of Trust with the bank. No one at the banks we use will even discuss anything with me about any of the accounts that exist because “my name’s not on the account”. He bought a 2004 Pontiac Grand Prix a year and a half ago. He won’t let me drive, it. He won’t even give me a key to it. Again, what’s his is mine. Right? He tells me to “Just go out and get a job.” I want to pursue a paralegal career. I am a legal secretary and want to get a “good” job. (I may need it). He won’t support or pay for me taking any classes online to pursue a better career. He says my going back to work as a paralegal won’t start for me with a “bang.” I am 48. I don’t look my age and don’t feel my age. He didn’t support me when my mother was ill with Alzheimers in 2001. He wasn’t there for me when she passed. All this had (in the past, I’m OK now) put me in a deep depression. So bad that I had to be hospitalized for two weeks last year, (had gotten down to 115 pounds), wouldn’t eat etc., received electro-compulsive therapy and medications. I now doing fine now, all off medications. While I was depressed, he would make “fun” of me. I remember pacing outside in the front yard. He would stop his yardwork and pace with me. Why didn’t he pick up on the signals of my depression? Why didn’t he call someone for help for me? I remember even asking him to “help me.” Nothing. I was on so much medication that I can not remember years (seriously) of my life. Seven to be exact. I am now so angry with him, I want out. He won’t change and won’t go to counselling because “It’s my fault things are this way.” I don’t have any money or anywhere I can go. What do I do?

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Answer by heavenly body
too lengthy to read :-(

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