John L. Pastore: A Struggle With Life
problems with men. It is very rare that your hear of a man talking about his abusive alcoholic wife; it is usually the reversed situation. “Alcoholism is 2-½ times more common in men than women” (Need). A person’s emotional status, problems with a job or in a family, as well as someone’s hormones are counted for when determining this factor (Need). You would think that a woman’s emotional state, and problems in her life would drive her to drink more frequently than a male. Women tend to drink alone more often than men do. Men go out to bars and drink with their friends, they may do it in a social scene more often than a woman would.
Alcoholism is a disease that starts off gradually. A person may have one or two drinks in moderation but as time goes on those drink could increase to the point where they cannot control themselves any longer (Alcoholics 21). “Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it “ (Alcoholics23). Some people may blame work or their spouse, but in actuality that’s not why they drink. In Alcoholics Anonymous, there is a quote, often heard but it is also very true, “’Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic”’ (Alcoholics 33). An alcoholic is always an alcoholic, whether their sober or not. If they were to take one sib of alcohol they would fall right back into the addiction. There are symptoms associated with Alcoholism: Cravings, control loss, withdrawal symptoms and a high tolerance (Hitti). A paragraph in the Alcoholics Anonymous book that I feel like many people can relate to goes as follows:
More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his
heart he doesn’t deserve it (73).
I haven’t spoken to my oldest brother Matt in about eleven years, so asking him about my father won’t work. He stopped talking to my dad for about the last seven years of his life. To this day I do not know the full story behind that. The conclusion which makes the most sense is that my dad was never there for Matt when he was young. He divorced his mother and married mine, along with my father’s strong alcohol addiction. Matt didn’t go see my father when he was sick, he didn’t even go to the wake or funeral.
People need to take into huge consideration the children and spouses of the alcoholic. That person’s disease affects their loved ones more than they may think. They can push people away, or create worse problems and difficulties in their lives. Someone who grows up in an alcoholic environment could develop an addiction of their own. One of the things that they teach you at Al-Anon is not to give advice, but to give guidance. They don’t tell a person how to live their life, but try to lead by example and show them the right thing to do. The loved ones of the alcoholic often need as much help in their lives than the actual alcoholic needs for recovery.
I sat in this meeting, feeling totally lost and out of place. I am a product of an alcoholic but I didn’t experience the alcoholism first hand. I sat there and listened to these women’s stories about their problems and issues with men in their life. I had nothing to say but I just listened, and me being there just to listen to them helped them cope with what they were dealing with.
Alcoholics Anonymous has a twelve step process for recovery. Al-Anon uses those twelve steps for their own recovery. “In Al-Anon, we strive for an ever-deeper understanding of these Steps, and pray for the wisdom to apply them to our lives” (Al-Anon). These women in this meeting lived by these twelve steps. They memorized them and knew them all off the top of their heads. They applied these steps to their everyday life, and literately lived by them.
The first step in AA is, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable” (Al-Anon). This step seems prominent in what made my father want to change. His life had become unmanageable, his wife leaving him and possibly losing contact with his children. He decided to adapt to these twelve steps and change his life.
Step number nine states, “Made a list of all persons we harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all” (Al-Anon). After reading these steps, particularly this one, I began to have a better understanding of what my dad went through to become sober. He began to make amends with his children, even with the one who was unwilling.
John Pastore influenced and touched many people in his life, myself being one of them. He made me want to be a better person and want to better myself. I hope that I can make him proud and follow in his footsteps of being a successful woman,