Self Abuse?
Question by don: self abuse?
is there any thing which can heal a person who is deep in depression and anxiety so that he can come out of substance abuse like alcohol, smoking etc. without the help of rehabilitation centre
Best answer:
Answer by jumpingrightin
Always seek help from a medical professional for this.
Answer by Mr. X
Emotional abuse needs to be dealt with immediately and consistently. While both partners are required to improve a relationship, it only takes one (you) to set appropriate boundaries and terms for the relationship.
Steps
Realize that you cannot change the other person, only your reaction to them. You can show them how their behavior is affecting you and hope that they make the decision to change, but ultimately you cannot force them to change their ways if they do not want to themselves.
Set new, reasonable terms for the relationship with clear and consistently implemented consequences. Decide (ideally as a couple) that you’re going to learn a new way of being in a relationship with one another. Abuse most often exists because spiritual/emotional weakness demands the exercise of control for emotional security; ultimately, neither partner understands a healthy way to diffuse abuse and to establish honor. Establish that, effective immediately, all interactions will be honorable, and will specifically and especially exclude: name calling, character attacks/judgements, raised voices, spitting, throwing objects, etc. and that if either partner breaks the agreement, then separation will immediately be imposed until mutual respect is restored. Be prepared to accept that this may never happen, especially in advanced stages of abuse, and that this commitment to a healthy, respectful relationship may result in the termination of it.
Set boundaries. Abuse, in general, is an issue of disrespect that usually involves trespass upon individual equality and freedom due to unclear or poorly-defined boundaries. If you are on the receiving end of abuse, it’s up to you to set up clear, reasonable boundaries for an honorable relationship and to consistently stick to them. Let your partner know that you realize your responsibility in allowing the disrespect in the past, which has era has now come to an end. Recognize the damage incurred by the previous era and establish a commitment to obtaining the support needed to forgive and restore the peace and strength necessary for mutual respect in all of your future relationships.
Develop emotional intelligence. In cases of abuse, both partners are often unknowingly stuffing important emotions. Receivers of abuse are often uncomfortable expressing their authentic, respectful anger, which is necessary to establish boundaries. Abusers are oftentimes expressing fear, not anger, when abusing. It is the “Fight” fear response that is coming through (as in “Fight or Flight”), and in order to end abuse, both partners must be willing to learn new ways of feeling and expressing their true emotions, and end the pattern of blaming, shaming, and punishing. Express your deepest and strongest feelings only in forums where they will receive the fullest respect and support, such as a diary, a blog, a group of very close friends or family, a professional and respectful psychologist (best by referral only), etc.
Understand the Dynamics of Relationship. Relationships are our highest learning playground. We’re attracted to our partners for reasons related to our highest learning. The one we’re with has the most to teach us, and often bugs us the most. If you feel that it’s safe to stay and learn with your partner, then take a good look at the dynamics that are playing out that have something to teach you. If you feel you need to end it, then reflect back on what you might learn about the relationship patterns that were in place. The learning may be about valuing yourself, unwinding old traumas, or expressing emotions healthfully.
Source your safety. It’s easy to think that your partner is in charge of your safety depending on their behavior, but this is not true. You are the only one who can create safety for yourself. You do this by making choices. You have an innate navigational system within yourself that allows you to make decisions which feel right for you, and which will keep you safe and happy. When you learn to pay attention to your body’s wisdom, you will know which choices are life affirming, and which ones will drain you of your energy or create chaos.
Get some coaching. Find a relationship coach who can help you with this issue. It is possible for both partners to unwind emotional abuse if they choose to. Finding a great support system, preferrably one that utilizes a holistic, no-blame approach to healing domestic violence will create a healthy and successful environment for learning and healing.
Tips
Be firm and clear with requests to make serious changes in your relationship.
Choose to see yourself and your partner as good people who simply do not know a healthy way to relate. If you knew how to relate healthfully, you would do it. Simply make a commitment to yourself to learn what it is you need to know to create a loving, healthy, vibrant relationship. Blaming yourself or others is optional and only keeps the dynamic of punishment going.
For assistance in finding a coach in your area (Or a phone coach) trained to successfully assist individuals and couples in this area, go to www.hendricks.com and click on Referrals. Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks are the premier teachers of coaches who have the holistic training necessary to help end the issue of abuse. (The author is a trained Hendricks coach who specializes in abuse)
In some cases, the abuse is so severe or the abuser so unwilling to change that you just need to get out, and get out now. If you have tried to stop the abuse repeatedly without effect, or if your partner is abusing you physically as well, get out. Leave the house and talk to a professional counselor.
Warnings
If you choose to end an abusive relationship, be sure to have a good support system in place, and pay attention to all of the choices you need to make to stay safe.
Do every reasonable thing to create a good relationship before you leave and allow your partner the same opportunities so that there remains no unresolved business, and no internal blame on yourself for destroying a commitment which could have been repaired.
Own your responsibility in the abuse, and recognize that these elements will likely carry into future relationships unless they are repaired on your part in the current relationship first.
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